• Review of Fifty Shades of Grey Movie (Spoiler-Free)


    I wouldn’t call myself a “fan” of the Fifty Shades books. I recognize how problematic they are from a consent perspective. Also, the writing is just bad. The inner monologue is hysterical, the romance tropes are prevalent, and the structure is downright awful (though I think the much-maligned character development is actually OK). Nonetheless, I can’t deny I like the books. You can call it hate-reading, but cliches originally become cliches because people love them, and a domineering billionaire hits all the right escapism buttons for me. Just like Richard Gere in Pretty Woman.


    Anyway, last night I found myself at a late-night showing of the new Fifty Shades of Grey movie. Overall, I don’t mind telling you that I liked it (though I’m apparently in the minority, given the current 30% rating on Rotten Tomatoes). Also, it was an interesting experience watching it at the theater with what were clearly diehard fans. They laughed at all the right times and grumbled with most deviations from the book.

    Regarding said deviations, I thought that the movie did a great job. The changes from the book were minor, but subtly updated the tone. Austin native Dakota Johnson brought a fabulous sense of comedic timing and goofiness not present in the book’s Ana; it’s as if she’s honestly reacting how an average person might in such ridiculous situations. The film also omitted Christian’s creepiest moments. For those concerned with portrayals of abuse in media (and you should be), I would say that the movie is qualitatively 50% less OH-MY-GOD-CONTROLLING-STALKER-RUN-FAST-RUN-FAR.

    There were definitely sexytimes, though pretty tame and thankfully not totally dominating (heh) the film. I thought they successfully walked the line between passionate and gratuitous; imagine somewhere between Game of Thrones and Cinemax After Dark. Both Mr. Dornan and Ms. Johnson probably spend a total of a few minutes topless, and there are butt shots from both stars. Inevitably (?), the nudity skews strongly toward the female lead, though we are treated to a very brief (200-300ms) flash of partial Dornan-Dong (just the base).

    Which brings me to my main criticism. Dakota Johnson is not only hilarious, but hot-hot-hot. She pretty much brings the modern American ideal of feminine beauty to the film. Even in actress terms, she’s a 10, hands down. And her male lead is… Jamie Dornan? Even putting his acting aside (and believe me, it’s rough), he’s an L.A. 7, max. Look, I understand Christian Grey is not supposed to be some giant beefcake, but this is a blockbuster film based on bestselling erotica that outsold Harry-mother-fucking-Potter. They should have spent the time and money to give us a regular-sized guy but with perfectly sculpted arms and chiseled abs. Instead, I spent the whole movie thinking how much he looked like Ewan McGregor, and wondering why flabby Obi-Wan was being such a controlling dick. Oh, and also wishing that the dreamy Charlie Hunnam hadn’t dropped out early in production, leaving Christian to be recast.

    Anyway, the movie leaves off almost exactly where the first book does, which makes for kind of a strange (albeit intriguing) ending when viewed as a standalone film (which it was originally supposed to be). But I’m excited to report that talks are now underway to complete the trilogy. Hopefully they’ll swap out Dornan for someone who can really keep up with the delightful Ms. Johnson.

  • Sling TV $20 Cable Bundle Review

    We cut cable television out of our lives years ago. It was just stupid to pay $50 per month for a “basic” cable package full of channels we never watched. Instead, we’ve put that money towards a Netflix subscription, Hulu subscription, Spotify subscriptions, an MLB TV subscription, and buying/renting shows on Amazon streaming (and we still come out ahead to the tune of $10 per month).

    But there’s always been a small problem with this scheme: Sportball. Now, personally, I don’t watch Sportball myself. But my wife likes it, and frequently wants to have people over to watch the matches. But since we cut the cord, she’s been mostly out of luck, except for the games that are available on the local broadcast channels.

    So I decided to try out Sling TV’s $20 per month streaming cable service for cord-cutters. It includes pretty much the best channels from basic cable, including ESPN, Cartoon Network, and Disney. It also has a handful of optional channel packages for kids, sports, and news. Continue reading “Sling TV $20 Cable Bundle Review” »

  • The Slap

    I recently watched a video that asked some boys to slap a girl on camera; all of them refused. It was cute, and maybe a little heartwarming, but also troubling because they all complied with the instruction to “caress” the girl (perhaps wrongly assuming that the girl’s presence and lack of objection implied consent).

    Either way, that’s not the point. One of the commenters on that linked to a video which inexplicably filled me with joy. For your viewing pleasure:

    via Gizmodo

  • Ted’s Beer of the Month: Nov/Dec 2014


    I think this will be my last BOTM post, at least for now. I find myself much less willing to write in-depth beer reviews than I used to, and putting this out every month has become a chore rather than an enjoyable pastime. I’ll probably end up writing one-off beer reviews as I find new and noteworthy brews, which will be more thoughtfully written since I won’t feel under the gun to churn them out. Thanks to anyone who’s followed my ramblings this far, I hope to produce higher quality content in the future!

    Alright, on to the good stuff. I’ve had some fantastic beers in the last two months, so at least we’re going out with a bang.

    stoplight_grnTröegs Perpetual Imperial Pale Ale – 7.5% – bottle

    This is a tricky one, since even though there’s a big “IPA” on the bottle, the small print on the bottle indicates that this stands for Imperial Pale Ale. It’s confusing, but at least I know I’m not the only one, because when I checked into this beer on Untappd, I got TWO badges, one for Pale Ales and another for IPAs. It’s a mystery, but at least it’s delicious. It showcases its hops without smacking you in the face with them. Its pine and floral notes dominate, but they don’t overpower the malts, which often happens with American IPAs.

    stoplight_ylwStone Coffee Milk Stout – 4.2% – bottle

    While browsing my local Crafty Beer Shop, where every 6-pack is build-your-own, I decided to forego variety for once and get a full sixer of this one. Call it a fit of madness, but I’m partial to both coffee and milk stouts, and it was nearly winter, so I figured why not? Well, it wasn’t a total disappointment, since it’s really smooth, but I get more bitter, smoky malts than coffee, and there are simply other milk stouts that are far better.

    stoplight_grnStone Enjoy By 12.26.14 IPA – 9.4% – bottle

    To give Stone a chance to redeem itself after the Milk Stout, I got this Enjoy By because it put me in the Wintermas spirit, and it was a good decision. Powerful bitterness runs throughout this one, because it’s from Stone, but it’s well-balanced by the sweet caramel flavors from the malts and the grapefruit peel and pine flavors of the hops. Now I kinda want to get another bottle and wait until December 27th to drink it, because I live on the edge.

    stoplight_grnArjay Hinek’s Applewood Smoked Porter – 5.8% – draft

    I have the good fortune to be part of a mature Agile team at my job, and to have a phenomenal Scrum Master in Arjay. But beyond his Scrum cred, he’s also a woodworker and homebrewer. (It’s a little scary sometimes how much our interests overlap) This week he brought in his latest creation, a (nearly) sessionable porter flavored with home-smoked applewood. If you’re a regular follower of this series, you know that I really don’t go for smoky beers, but this one was really good. The malts have the reins, and the smokiness is very mellow, rather than the bitterness I’m used to. I think that’s due to most smoky beers getting their smoke flavor from over-roasted (read: burned) malts. The more you drink this beer, the more you feel like you’ve been sitting next to a campfire, and how can that be bad? Sadly, none of you can have any, but hopefully I’ll get to drink more someday.

    Arjay blogs about Agile at So Agile It Hurts Sometimes.

    Fullsteam Fellowship of the Barrel


    Fullsteam Brewing in Durham is well-known as being one of my favorite local breweries. Even though I had a funky bottle of their IGOR last year, all other experiences with them have been fantastic, especially IGOR on draft. This year they threw a weekend-long tap takeover full of nothing but barrel-aged beers. Glorious, I know. If I could have stayed there for the entire time and tasted every beer, I totally would have. However, things like “feeding the animals (like Finnegan, up top)” and “fiscal responsibility” and “picking up my wife from the airport” got in the way. Sheesh.

    stoplight_grnFullsteam RABA Cack-A-Lacky – 5.5%

    Cack-a-Lacky is one of my favorite pale ales. It has such a nice bright ginger punch, it’s very effervescent, and the ABV is definitely low enough for this to be a lunch beer. Also it comes in cans, which is awesome. For this version, they aged it in Rhum Agricole (a.k.a. cane juice rum) barrels. Apart from a barely higher ABV (up from 5%) and a touch of woody depth, this basically tasted like standard Cack-a-Lacky. That is to say it was delicious, if not all that nuanced. If they do this again next year I’ll probably try something else in its place.

    stoplight_grnFullsteam 2013 IGOR – 9.0%

    IGOR, on the other hand, I will drink any time I can get my hands on it. Aged in a bourbon barrel, this smooth, chocolatey stout with great bourbon barrel notes was an instant favorite the moment I had it on draft.

    stoplight_ylwHaw River + Mystery Memorial Day 2012 – 5.4%

    This wild saison aged in brandy and red wine barrels was okay. I’m glad it was part of the festival, because they can’t all be pushing 10% ABV, but the red wine flavors were strange and a little over the top, given the already complex interplay between the mellow woodiness of the brandy and the sharp tang of the wild yeasts.

    stoplight_grnHighland McRooney Scotch Ale – 8.3%

    It doesn’t surpass Old Chub in my heart, but it’s still a delicious Scotch Ale, particularly with the addition of the whisky-barrel oak notes and the heightened ABV. It has that dense peatiness that you can feel in your teeth, which is something I love.

    stoplight_grnHaw River Major Arcana Sour Black Ale – 7.2%

    I definitely wasn’t expecting to see a sour at this event, but I’m glad I did, because this was an excellent beer. This is the first beer I’ve had where barrel-aging imparted a kind of lightness. Being a sour black ale, Major Arcana is a small-portion, small-sip kind of beer. The brandy barrel flavors, while not prominent, cut the sourness nicely and allowed me to experience the full range of flavors in the sour, rather than dwelling solely on the bite.

    perpetualOof, picking a winner this month is tough. I’m tempted to pick IGOR again, since it’s so fantastic, but I think that the Tröegs Perpetual IPA edges it out for me this time. There’s something special about that one, and it kind of renewed my interest in thoughtfully tasting beer. Maybe Pale Ales will be my next personal tasting focus, since historically they’ve taken a back seat to IPAs.

    Thanks for reading! As always, any recommendations are welcome in the comments.

    Happy Holidays!